A Different Outcome
by jalyn712
Summary: He asked, but she said no.


"Why are you saying no?"

His gut told him that he didn't really want to know her answer, but his head and heart had to hear it.

The storm outside mirroring her own emotions, she answered as lightening flashed. "Because I've loved you so much and for so long. And, this isn't good enough for me. This proposal out of a sense of duty. I deserve better, Houston." Her voice broke at the heartfelt words - both so wrong and so right.

He was wonderful, and she knew that to the core of her being. But, he had never belonged to her. Not in any sense, and now, he never would. Because she was pregnant with his child - no, _their _child - and that threw all of her hopes and dreams of him truly loving her for her out the window. How could she ever be sure, now? Nothing leading up to this moment had convinced her, and she was fairly certain that nothing ever would. The blinders had been ripped from her months ago, and she new better.

Tears streaming down her face, her heart breaking and wanting so much to be anywhere but here in this moment, she continued - despite seeing the pain on his face .

"So you know where I'm coming from - really coming from - I'm going to spell it out, so there'll be no mistaking. I have never been anything more to you than a friend and a business partner, and I know it. I came to that humiliating realization sometime between our one-night stand and finding out I was pregnant. I know I'm not the woman you've ever really wanted. If I had been, we would have been together long ago. I wouldn't have been so easy for you to dismiss here and there. Time and again. I wouldn't have been so easy to be teased with and let go. More than once, Matt. And, I would never have been in the position of watching you ask someone else to marry you - again. There's never been anything more between us. You've never loved me for anything more than the light and easy childhood friendship we've always shared. I can accept that - had already begun to accept it. It's been a wonderful friendship. Now, this pregnancy is a curveball, but one we can get through. And, hopefully, happily and without any scars between us. All of our years together should be able to springboard us through this, just as everything else. I'm counting on it because I cannot go through anymore of this with you. I will not marry you and pretend that we're the happy little family, when I've never been what you want." At that, her voice broke on a sob, and she took a deep breath.

Her words slammed into him. Violently. And, Matt, for all of his capabilities, was at a loss for words so complete that he stood there with nothing to say. His heart felt like it had been ripped from him. He knew that the pain in this room stemmed from his actions and inactions, over the course of many years. He wanted to go to her, reach out, hold her, comfort her, tell her it was going to work out and be alright. But, for the life of him, he couldn't do it. He knew that he shouldn't do it. Not in this moment. It was too fraught, and most of the blame laid with him.

He'd never been one to intentionally hurt another human being. Hell, his empire and investigative agency were built on the premise of helping people. In business, he helped up-and-comers develop themselves into more and expand. And, certainly, in his investigative agency, he was helping people get through some of the most difficult times in their lives.

Yet, here he stood in the midst of his most gut-wrenching moment, to date, and he felt completely powerless to turn the tide. How could he feel powerful, when he knew that he was the root cause of this? Of her hurt. Of his hurt. And, not a bit of it intentional. But, that didn't mitigate his neglectfulness, his oversights…hell, the _slights _she'd experienced time and again because of him…or they wouldn't be standing here in the midst of this, tonight.

So much for trying to live a good and honest life, he thought. He'd blown that last part all to hell. He'd never really been honest about his feelings for her. He simply took it for granted that CJ would just always be there. In his life and in whatever capacity he needed her to be, and she'd accomplished it spectacularly without ever asking anything of him, in return. And, why was he just now getting all of this? What the hell was wrong with him?

Of course, he loved her. But, he could see how his brand of loving had done nothing but chip away at her.

Had he really been the playboy he'd thought was much more hype than truth? Had he? He'd always just thought of the label as media hype, enhanced for the masses to have something juicy to read more than anything else. But, he saw there was much more truth in it that he had ever been willing to admit, especially to himself. 'Dammit,' he thought, standing there and feeling sick inside. 'What the hell have I done?'

They both stood still. Absolutely motionless, save for breathing and eyes looking into one another. Both feeling wretched. One wanting nothing more than to go back and change every moment in the past that he possibly could to make this all right. The other wanting nothing more than to run and take refuge someplace far from here - just to get her bearings, again.

CJ hoped he'd say something or, more preferable, just leave. Anything to break up the silence that had followed her diatribe. Before the fullness of what she'd spoken hit her. Before she became embarrassed or mortified at finally having said what her heart could no longer contain. She knew that she was more than just "token" to him but not nearly enough to match her desires.

The longer they stood there, the more she wanted him to go. Before she completely fell apart in front of him - and she knew that she could do much worse than this, but she wanted it all to stop. If not for good, at least, for the night.

Intuiting that she was about to ask him to leave, he tried to say her name. "CJ…." But, it came out in a guttural garble that made plain the pain he was feeling inside. Not the full depth, but it was enough. He could see that she was somewhat startled. And, the hot tears were beginning to build behind his eyes. He didn't know where to start, but he wouldn't leave her words as the final notes for the evening.

"CJ," he began again. Feeling slightly more confident that he might be able to utter more than two syllables, he attempted more, "I'm devastated…." And, seeing her start to wither at having heard his words, thinking they were because of her own, he made the valiant effort to continue, "Words can never undo how I've made you feel. And, I'm sorry. I'm so…so sorry." His voice did break then, as hers had before.

She didn't try to interrupt or interfere with his attempts to speak. She stayed still, her heart pounding in her ears and threatening to beat completely out of her chest. 'Why?' she thought. 'Why all of this between us? And, why the hell did I feel the need to put this into words and out in the open, tonight? It's not like it's going to change anything, and I've just hurt the man I've loved dearly since childhood. The only person I've had any real history with….' And, with that, she couldn't bear to look at him, anymore. So, her carpeting became her focal point, while she wondered how much more of this she could take - this volleying of pain between them.

She wasn't a wimp - not by a long-shot - but she couldn't afford to put herself in the emotional position of being hurt by him, again. She was much stronger than that, and it was time to start acting like it. She'd lied to herself enough about him, over the years. That wasn't really his fault. She'd made him out to be more than he was capable of being and willing to give to her. If she weren't pregnant with their child, she might even surmise that she had been more like an adopted sister to him - their one night of shared comfort over the death of a friend, notwithstanding. But, she wasn't that sick. So, she flew past the thought.

Matt, for his part, couldn't take his eyes off of her. They were glued to where she stood, not even looking at him. And, if he never remembered another thing, he didn't think he'd be able to get the images of her tonight out of his mind; they would be branded there forever, he was sure. She looked so miserable, and he knew that he deserved to feel just as badly - and he did. God knew that he did.

Not knowing where he was able to pull this from, but infinitely glad that he could, he told her, "My feelings for you have never been trivial. Never. I've always loved you, though I'll admit I've always brushed my feelings aside. I don't know where it began or how it became the status quo between us, but I think some part of me thought it was taboo to love you, out in the open, as much as I do in my heart. I adore you," then gaining strength and momentum, he continued, "and I will not let this end here. I can't. I won't let you go on believing that you're only 'comfortable' to me - like some old shoe. Because it's just not true. I see so clearly, now, how my behavior has led to all of this. But, no more, CJ. I'm going to find a way to build something better between us, and I won't let this rest here. If it takes me the rest of my life, I won't give up on what we have between us. I'll earn your love. I won't stop until I've made something better of myself in your eyes. I won't accept that this is how it is going to be between us, from now on - that it can't be more and that you can't trust me to be anymore than the half-hearted dimwit I've been. I _won't_ accept it." His passion had mounted, and his voice was breaking again but still strong.

She was looking at him, again, tears back to streaming down her cheeks. She wasn't sure what to say, next. But, she figured, 'In for the penny, in for the pound,' and told him, "Houston…I meant what I said a few minutes ago. I want to be loved. Really loved. I want the man I marry to be the one I spend the rest of my life with. The one I can _see _experiencing the rest of my life with because it's natural between us, and we fall into it together, easily - not simply because I got pregnant with our child. And, god…I want to be looked at adoringly and know that what I see reflected in his eyes to me is truth. I deserve that, and I think I also deserve to be the first thought on his mind in the morning and the last thought on his mind before he falls asleep, at night - or pretty darned close to it. *I* want to be someone's focus, for once…" voice breaking, she continued on, "and I think I deserve all of it. I think my child deserves to see and learn that kind of love from firsthand experience, too. I just…don't want to be second fiddle…or third string, anymore. I want to be loved in a way that I'm not sure you can deliver, Houston. I'm sorry. If this had been a few months sooner, I'd probably be jumping in your lap and planning my vows to you. But, it's not, and I'm not going to be doing that. If I have to make a choice, I choose me…and the off-chance that the happiness I've always wanted is really out there for me to have and to hold and to enjoy fully. Finally, I'm able to say, 'I love you, Matlock Houston, but I love _me _more.'"

Some part of him wished he'd had a tape recorder with him, so he could memorize every word she'd said - just so he could go home and practice doing and being everything she'd uttered that she wanted in a man, in a partner. But, he knew he was going to have to go from feeling places. Feeling places he'd been blocking off for years. He knew what he had to do, and it wasn't going to be easy.

But, somehow, in the midst of all of the gut-wrenching turmoil, he became determined. To be everything she'd ever wanted and more. He wanted to be the man she pictured herself with, again. And, in the ways she was dreaming of. Unbelievable how he'd knocked himself out of the running, and he'd been his only competition. If it wasn't so sad, it might be funny.

But, he was going to do it. He'd be damned if he was going to lose her. It just wasn't going to happen. And, not because he was determined to "win" but because he loved her, and he couldn't imagine her living life in the ways she'd just described to him with anyone else. He couldn't fathom her feeling those things for another man. Going home to someone else. Having a family with another man. _NO_.

He wouldn't let it happen, and it wasn't because of the baby. He knew that it wasn't. It was the thought of her never loving him like this again that kicked him in the gut and made him fear for his life. Life without her. And, he wasn't fooling himself because that's exactly what was at stake here. She was telling him goodbye in several significant ways. But, he wasn't about to lose his life - the one she was the biggest part of, whether she cared to believe it or not. Though he couldn't blame her, he'd make her see.

Fearing what would happen if he allowed anymore time and space to come between them, if he turned and left now, he dove back in with all he had.

"I _want _you to love yourself and to put yourself first. I want you to love anything and everything that brings you joy in life. But, I want you to love me, again, in the ways you've just described."

He took a breath and continued, "And, I need you to know, once and for all, how much I've loved you and when it all started for me. Remember when we were ten and you shoved Harvey Jones and told him that he could stick it in his ear, after he'd made fun of me for having no Ma? I've loved you every day, since. And, when we were out riding on the ranch, I'd sneak long peaks at your dark hair flying free behind you. I loved just watching you - being happy and carefree. Hell, I still watch you when you're least likely to notice…. But, then, when we were fifteen and snuck our first real kiss in the barn, which I always wished hadn't been our 'last' kiss. And, when I was playing football - at away games - and you couldn't come, I always missed not seeing you there. And, I missed you something fierce during the years we were apart, while I was enlisted and you were in law school."

He wasn't finished. Not by a long shot. He went on, "I love the way you laugh, your bright smiles, the way your eyes light up when you're excited. I love how much you care about people and how you're always willing to pitch in and help, whenever and wherever needed. I loved you the day you brought Hildegard to help Rupert win the frog jumping contest. I loved that you were a part of it all - and sitting right there with Bo, Lamar, and I during our childish pursuit. I love you, and I want myself back in the picture as the man you've wanted for yourself. *I* want to be the man you adore. Without fear. Without hesitancy. I'm promising to you that you will always be my first thought in the morning and the very last before I fall asleep. Dammit, you almost always are, anyway. I've just never told you. But, I can give it to you - easily. I can give you more than that, and I want to. So much. I want you in my life - and not just as confidante and best friend but as my partner in life, not only in business. I want all of this more than you know, and I'm willing to do anything to prove it to you. I WILL prove it to you. I'm not so far removed from what you want, CJ, and I'm going to show you. I'll commit myself to you - and to the family we have together - for as long as I live. I want nothing more than to be here for you. _Only _you. I'll do it, too. Just give me this chance. I know I've been the world's biggest jackass - there's no one who could argue my defense and win - but I want the rest of the days and nights we can have together to make it up to you, to show you that I mean every word I'm saying. I won't leave here, until I know you've heard me - really heard me, like I've heard you."

Begging to the Powers That Be that she'd come around, he waited. She was crying harder now, and he was itching to go to her, but he needed to wait for her response. Then, he'd decide what to do or say next. His resolve was building. He couldn't get it out of his mind - that she could wind up with another man for life, if he didn't get through to her, if he couldn't get her to give him this one last chance. The last chance that he would never blow because he was hers. He didn't want anyone else, but he was no fool. He knew this was "do or die," and he wasn't leaving here unless he was breathing easier. It's that important to him. _She _is that important to him.

Funny how standing in the midst of losing the one person you've loved the most could change you so completely, and so quickly, but he knew he was changed. And, if she'd let him, he'd prove it to her over-and-over again. For the rest of their lives. Whether she agreed to make it official or not. He'd do it, and he'd do it without reservations.

He wasn't feeling desperate, here. Not by a long-shot. He was simply determined. She was right - she did deserve better, and he knew he could do it. Be it. Ignite it between them. He knew he could be whole-hearted and committed. He knew he was capable, and more than that, he knew it was what he wanted with a definitive clarity he'd never experienced before.

Here was the woman he'd loved nearly all of his life, pregnant with their child, and he'd nearly lost her because she'd never felt loved by him as anything other than a friend. When he'd always felt deeply for her. The irony was not lost on him, and he knew he was responsible for keeping them as "friends," and he'd been a bad one, at that.

With his words, CJ had sunk into a chair and put her face in her hands, elbows on knees. She wasn't sobbing anymore but not for lack of available tears. She just didn't know what to think, what to do, at this point. Matt's words had floored her. Hearing his declarations and remembrances of things she'd never heard from him before were more than a little stunning. She was flattered beyond belief but wondered if it all had come a little too late. She wanted to feel overjoyed, but she was confused. Why now? Was it the fear of his child not existing in his life in the ways he'd always envisioned? 'Join the club,' she thought.

Weary beyond belief, she met his eyes. "I don't know what to think, right now, Houston. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to think. Or believe, for that matter. I know you want you're child, and I'd never keep you from - "

But he cut her off, quickly. "No, CJ. This isn't about the baby. God knows I don't want anything to happen to our child, but I want you to know that this is about you. And us. Not the baby. The baby is a bonus, and I'm not going to pretend that I don't want it and the family I want us to be together. I'd be lying, and you'd know it. Still, this is more important than even that."

She gave him a puzzled look and seemed about to speak. So, he made sure that she couldn't.

"We've been together since we were children, and I don't want to live my life without you. I've already admitted to being an ass. The world's biggest ass. But, I love you, and I'll do whatever it takes to get you to believe it. Every day for the rest our lives. I'm _in _love with you, and I want only you. You are not second fiddle or third string to me. You're not. I've been the playboy I always said I wasn't, and I didn't fully realize it until tonight. But, I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you or make you feel less-than, when you were anything but. I took you for granted, but I'll never do it, again. I'll give you anything of me that you still want, and we'll build on it from there. But, I won't leave, until you give me another chance. I can't. I know the whole of the rest of my life rests on this night and your decision. And, I don't mean to lay anymore pressure at your feet, but I'm asking for one last chance to prove what I'm saying to you. I'm not embarrassed, nor do I feel guilty, if it's going to get me to the place I want to be with you. I'm not proud. I'm flat-out begging because you hold all of the cards. I put myself in this place, admittedly, but I'm asking for the opportunity to show you differently. I can't bear the thought of losing you and knowing it's because I've behaved so badly - exactly the opposite of how I've felt inside. So, please, say the word. I'm here. And, I won't take a single misstep anywhere else, again. I promise you this."

Not knowing how she'd come to this place with him, she began to cave. She loved him and wanted all of this to be true. After all, he was the man she'd always loved. The best friend she'd had since childhood. She'd always wanted something like this - some declaration from him, and here it was. So, now what? What else was she looking for? Did she believe him?…

She looked him in they eye, while her own tears were drying. _Did she believe him_?

And, then…she realized she did, at that. This was so incredibly new to her, she felt more than a little blown away. It was far removed from their norm. But, somehow, he'd pulled the rabbit out of the hat, and she felt more than a little awe.

Tonight had begun innocently enough, but his marriage proposal had thrown her into an unhappy tailspin. And, when she hadn't readily answered him - hadn't been eager to accept - he'd wanted to know why, and he wouldn't let it go. Then, she'd snapped and told him exactly why. Though, she'd never expected anything that had followed. In her dreams and fantasies, he'd always said loving things to her but not like what he'd lain on the line, tonight. Truth be told, though things had become so fraught, his words were better than in her dreams. She'd come to see things in him that she didn't even know existed. Fierce determination over her was certainly at the foreground…and, well, she was still blown away.

She hadn't been asking anything of him, when she'd begun all of this, tonight.

Now…after everything he'd just said and was asking of her…could she do it? Give him this opportunity?

Would she allow them to give it a real go?

In the end, it wasn't such a hard decision for her. As she continued to look him in they eye, something else clicked for the both of them. Something they'd both been searching for in the other and hadn't been able to completely find, until now. One of those telling moments, where there are no words but feelings. Knowing.

She got up from the chair, and he took steps in her direction. When they met, they embraced with such feeling - not so much passion but with deep meaning and intense love between them.

Another unexpected moment that had CJ rejoicing inside. Because she wouldn't have missed it for the world. This moment, where no words were spoken, only feelings were felt - and through a simple embrace. Moreover, it was with the man she'd loved more than life itself. And, she started to feel the heavy weight of the last month, since discovering she was pregnant, begin to dissipate. Just like that. In his arms - and beginning to believe she was the woman he really loved - she started to feel better than she had ever felt.

A similar experience was happening to Matt. Pushing aside the thoughts that he'd almost lost her for good, he allowed himself to revel in the feelings pulsing between them. He felt confident that she could feel his deep love for her, now. As they stood holding one another, he made a silent vow to make sure that moments like this happened frequently between them from now on.

Because he loved her, and he would do anything for her. Including give in to their mutual desires and finally become the couple they were always destined to be.


End file.
